Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter For Dummies

Are you like millions of other people whom really LIKE Easter, but are confused as to the real meaning?

Yes, I know what you mean, and how you feel. I've been there. Easter is very confusing. Plus, if you ask any Christian, they often start rambling on about a talking snake, forbidden foliage, an angry god that often has to kill THINGS... it's not worth the hassle. Not to mention the sorta creepiness that some Christians sota ooze from their pores. Sorta like Jesus was the Original Used Car salesman, 'Have you considered a Jesus for your garage' HELP, RUN, HIDE THE JESUS CHRYSLER!

Easter is, after all, a weird sorta holiday. I mean, it has a lot of strange things involved. If you looked at the holiday via abstract... lemme see, you have Chocolate Eggs, Bunny Rabbits, .. hell, just about everything is chocolate. I have actually seen chocolate Jesus' on chocolate crosses. MADE IN CHINA FER CHRISSAKES. But, for the record, Chocolate eggs and bunnies are two of my favorite sacraments. Bar none. (hidden joke there... a sorta 'easter egg' if you will).

In order to clean up some confusion, I have decided to write a bullet statement style of infogram regarding certain rather important facts regarding Easter. (Keep in mind the word 'Fact' here is being used rather loosely. History being a myth written by the victors).

I will attempt to keep the list in sorta 'order' .. if I leave anyone or anything out, I apologize in advance. I am, pre approved to be predestined to prevent the .... nevermind.

1. God. According to the stories, God has been around quite a long time. He has temper issues. He can get angry about anything. Past history temper tampers time outs include: Not being married when you have sex, as well as my favorite, Eating salad like materials when told not to do so. God has, according to the stories, been very unstable, will kill you if you're not careful, send you to a lake of fire for what looks to be a very long time.. and then, on top of it all, he likes to remind you (normally by killing something) that he loves you. Nice.

2. Adam and Eve. They showed up at the first Easter Breakfast of sorts, and ordered something off the menu that the Chef (GOD) didn't want them to order. As it turns out, their order was indeed 'TO GO'. 'Yes, make that two forbidden fruits, yes, a doggie bag would be nice'

Blood/Sheep etc. Sometime after Adam and Eve went Ala Carte, God decided he needed to have his anger placated. And blood would do the trick. Lots of it. Blood eventually becomes God's favorite beverage of choice. See, in order to get forgiveness, according to the myth, one had to kill a sheep. Simple as that. Sort of a Bar B Q grill type of thing. Light up the bricks, lay the sheep on there after slitting its throat or whatever, and it MUTTON UP.

Anyone whom has spilled/got/experienced blood on anything would question the whole idea of blood being a good washer of anything. Especially to get you 'white as snow'... anyway.

This whole sheep blood forgiveness was not permanent. It lasted, basically, for one week. Then, back to the herd. 'Martha get the knife, I gotta kill me some forgiveness...' This whole plan worked real good for God, and humans, especially the shepherds.

4. Jesus. a.k.a. The Perfect Lamb, Sacrificial Son, SON OF GOD, The Redeemer, The MONSTER OF THE MIDWAY.. okay I made up the last one. It would seem that God got tired of the refried mutton every week, and desired something a bit more permanent. So, naturally, he had to kill his kid to forgive everyone. Now, that makes perfect sense. And, lucky for God, he just happened to have one laying around... presumably doing nothing other than being the SON OF GOD for 30 years since being born in a barn. Jesus must have really done some serious stuff for his juvenile record HANDY STUFF FOR GOD EH?

I can see him looking around the room, in heaven, as he sized up the family for whom was going to get killed so humans could be forgiven. You know there was absolutely NO eye contact in that little family gathering. Can you imagine the invitations, what they may have read? 'You are coordially invited to dinner with God Almighty. We will be discussing whom will die for humans on Earth' Bring a friend.'

5. The Resurrection. So, God had to kill his kid. Jesus, apparently not all that thrilled about being 'made' into the family, decided to negotiate. Seems as though he didn't wish to be dead for any length of time. God was thinking a long time, the Holy Ghost thought 40 days and 40 nights sounded good, but Jesus put his sandle down and insisted 3 days shipping and handling would work out just fine. God relented... mostly because the daughter of God was not only a female -which would not make a very good KING OF THE JEWS, but she was ugly and cross. (ba da boom). So off Jesus went to be killed. There was this small issue of plot.

'Um, so, uh, what do I tell them when I am back alive? I mean, none of the lambs came back to life... did they?' Jesus asked, sheepishly. (I am dying here, I mean these jokes are killing me...)

God thought for a moment.... and replied, 'Just tell them you will be taken UP'.

Solved. And on the way out the door, the Holy Ghost said, 'Hey, take this shroud, I hear it gets cold in those tombs'. And that kind act made an imprint on Jesus. (Rim Shot)

In all this religious hoo ha of passion play nonsense, one must remember one small detail. If Jesus came back from the dead. He is, technically, a Zombie.


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