Thursday, November 1, 2012

Hello.


Soul Dust  By klw

I have been sitting 
grabbing
wiping and shining 
the things I thought were
diamonds
things that were close
to my soul

As with everyone else
I was just a carbon speck
polishing coal

Everyone is waiting
anticipating
the time that will come
when their life will start
when the clouds will part
nobody ever had the heart
to say
Life begins today

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Leggo My Ghetto Lingo

One has to like Newt. He is a fat white bastard with poor taste in everything. Just ask one of his many ex wives.. not to be outdone here.. I have a few ex wives lying around somewhere.. but I don't have a favorite language.

I don't even like the one I speak.

In fact, I have to teach english to people as a part of my job. It isn't easy, it certainly isn't logical and should not be.. in any way whatsoever, a preferred lingo. Ever.

Except if you are a racist fat bastard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rF694NzjPU&feature=colike

My Review of Roku HD Player

Originally submitted at Roku

The new HD, with built-in wireless, delivers top value in high-definition streaming.


This device is great.

By Hutch from San Antonio on 2/2/2012

 

5out of 5

Pros: Easy to use, Easy to set up, High quality picture, Great value, Built in Wi-Fi, Compact, Video selection, Reliability

Cons: No NFL whatsoever

Best Uses: Living room

Describe Yourself: Movie buff, Power User, Early adopter, Netflix fan, Technophile, Home entertainment enthusiast

BEWARE, this device is only as good as your internet provider. If you have a ***** ISP, you are going to have a ***** Roku experience. Just keep that in mind. I upgraded my ISP to extreme service.. .and even though there have been some issues with my ISP, none of the issues had anything to do with Roku.

(legalese)

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Short Stories

There is a new show in production that will appeal to every American known to America in the Americas!

It is called 'I Can't Believe You Are Fat, Can't Sing, Or Act, Or Dance And Are A Complete Loser'

Totally different than other shows before it, in this show..They put all of you on a scale, and see what you 'tip in at'. Then you eat a ten course meal. Rehearse a song in a register that you can't sing, and or dance to, then rehearse some bullshit story made up about your life ('My husband is in Iraq', or 'I lost a liver in an accident saving my puppy' or 'I once ate so much I was homeless and unattractive', OR the very popular 'At one time I was not pathetic enough to be on Oprah!') Then act it out in front of several washed up actors -of which could not have a successful career on their own, but will judge whether or not you 'have what it takes'.... Then, another break to eat. And at the finale, they put all of you back on the scale, and see who did the best.

Winners get food of whatever they want... a whole two weeks supply, or 10 tons, which ever is less...

Runner Uppers get a publishing deal to write their whole experience in a book (cookbook sold separately) and an appearance on Oprah to eat and discuss and eat.


Just a joke. I wrote it after being subjected to 'I can't believe you think you can dance' or whatever that program is called.


Bret Michael's doctors discover he 'somehow grew a vagina' during his coma.

Sometime during his coma, BM grew a vagina - according to his doctors. One surgeon who was present noted 'I am nearly 100 percent sure BM had a penis when he came into critical care, but he, er she, has a vagina now'

Doctors are not sure how this happened. Considering BM used to sing for a hair metal band in the late 80s. 'Of course, back in the 80s he looked like a woman, so it may be just a delayed reaction' says one doctor. 'Anything is possible...'

Bret Michael's noted that 'Since I now have a vagina, I don't feel so bad about going on Oprah'



Oprah Winfrey misplaces her BBQ Sauce bottles, enraged eats four interns.

In an apparent rage filled several moments, Oprah could not find her favorite BBQ sauce and ate four of her interns.

'This was a totally provoked attack' claims Oprah, 'I clearly explained which refrigerators were mine and what ones were theirs'

The interns were eaten alive during a break in taping, near snack time. Oprah was looking for something to apply to her pork sausage, peanut butter and egg Elvis tribute sandwiches, when she discovered her misplaced condiment.

'It doesn't matter anyway, anyone who works for me signs a waiver in their contract acknowledging that I can eat them at any moment'



Pope demands Vatican City be called 'Glory Hole City' in bizarre turn.

The Pope, in a odd turn, stated that anyone caught calling Glory Hole City 'THE VATICAN' will face severe punishment. Possibly excommunication, or even worse than that... added the former Nazi Youth member.

He further noted that 'I was thinking about calling Glory Hole City 'Glorious Reststop City' but that sounded like something Robin would say to Batman as they slid down the batpole.....

Hmmm.



Enviromentalist are outraged Oprah eats a Black Rhino

Oprah apparently ate an endangered Black Rhino while visiting her school for girls in Africa.

'This is a total outrage', stated Ackman Mahummand, local Enviromentalist, 'There were plenty of other things to eat, even if this is Africa. There is presently several boats offshore with boat loads of materials that she could have easily have ate. Black Rhinos are rare.'

Oprah noted she was provoked, after watching a Black Rhino special on Animal Planet. 'I had the remote in hand, and kept replaying them, slowly, over and over. They simply looked delicious!' Asked about how she felt, after eating something so rare, 'O no, I cooked them real good'

Monday, June 14, 2010

Posted by PicasaMeeting Mike Portney of Dream Theater fame. Nice dude.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Repackaged Easter Nuggets!!

A long time ago, mankind noticed that right after the fall of the year, they started getting hungry. And, they furthermore found out, if they had not stored up a lot of stuff JUST before fall, lots of times they died.

Dying is heavy stuff, even when you don't have a religion to make you feel better about it. But, they didn't have to wait long.. Winter Solstice actually has a scientific definition 'The winter solstice occurs at the instant when the Sun's position in the sky is at its greatest angular distance on the other side of the equatorial plane from the observer's hemisphere.' See, now that wasn't too hard? Any religious folks out there read that? Put away your chocolate jesus laying in a manger.. and just read that over again. Soon you will be thinking about reading OTHER stuff that is not religious. Who knows, the whole frontal lobe might start kicking in.

What is it regarding Christians and chocolate? On Christmas we give each other chocolate by the bucket loads. Valentines day. FUCK. I mean is there any other way to express your loyalty to god than to cover something in chocolate? I suppose cramming a cherry in it somewhere. I am still waiting for the cherry filled chocolate 'from the grave' zombie christ to be sold at Easter. What possibly could be the hold up? Certainly isn't good taste! I mean, if you really wanted to do the Passion Play correctly, why not have the Chocolate Roman Soldiers, with possibly licorice whips, beating up on the chocolate jesus (who melts in your soul, not in your hand) ... and maybe with some scientific help we can make the jesus chocolate activate when the licorice whips hit jesus's chocolate back.. and 100% Cherry Juice can ooze out of pre manufactured chocolate holes... symbolic of his bloody, yet tasty, suffering. Made in the Peoples Republic of Communist China, by five year olds.. again emphasizing the symbolic suffering with some real world 'suffer the little children' SIXTY MINUTES style.

I know at easter, one of the first things I do.. I grab the biggest chocolate cross, with Jesus on it, that I can find. I bite the head off right away. That way one cannot tell if it is Jesus or John the Baptist. Gives it more of a mysterious creamier chocolate symbolic meaning. I mean, why not smooth out the meaning with milk chocolate. I realize not everyone will agree with me, so there could be some Dark Chocolate headless crosses out there....all flavors of chocolate to all people.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Mark McGuire's Special Treatments

I just got through watching, yesterday, Mark McGuire (MM) being interviewed by Bob Costas (BC). I was pretty astounded by some of the things MM said. I will try to keep this blog as organized as possible... however, there was some very illogical things stated by MM.

Disclaimer: I do not speak for Major League Baseball, MM or anyone else other than myself. These are my opinions, however, I will try to keep my opinions based on logic, which was based on what I heard MM and BC talk about during the interview. I do not remember every single detail of the interview, since I didn't record it, nor did I memorize it. The following, although it might not say it, is a summary of things I thought were stated by MM or BC. Feel free to correct me, with sources in the comment block provided by Google in this blog.

Lets sort through the things MM said.

1. He said he took steroids in the early 90's for medical reasons. I am willing, for the benefit of doubt, allow the premise steroids will make you healthier in the short term, JUST for the sake of this blog. (I am not a doctor, or a lawyer, but I really have some doubts about this 'health' benefit). MM stated that he was a 'walking M.A.S.H unit.' That may be true as well. I am willing to take his statement at face value on his health in the early 90's.

2. MM stated he did not feel as though taking steroids benefited him in any way other than making him 'healthy'. Hmm. MM was emphatic about this point.

3. MM stated that even though BC thought the Statute of Limitations were over (five years according to BC) he was returning to baseball, not because the SOL were up for him to be prosecuted, but because he was invited by the St. Louis Cardinals to be a hitting coach. Hmm.

Before I start my process, let me first state I have always liked the St. Louis Cardinals. Not my favorite team mind you, I am a Yankees fan... but the Cardinals have always been, IMO, a class organization, with classy coaches and classy players. Period. Even though I am a Yankees fan, I can tell you I have never met a Yankees fan who ever said 'You know, I just hate the Cardinals' ... Boston Red Sox on the other hand... I say this because I am talking about MM and what he did, and it should not reflect at all on any assumed hatred on my part of the Cardinals, because there aren't any.

To MM first point regarding taking steroids for medical reasons. Like I said earlier, lets assume that is true. MM gets an unfair advantage. He healed quicker than a player who went to a normal doctor and was treated. If MM had went to a doctor and the doctor prescribed a drug that any other player could have received from a doctor, MM would be on his way to the HOF. He didn't. Watching MM insist that the steroids helped him get back on the field while at the same time telling BC the same steroids didn't give him any benefit is astounding.

Addressing MM second point: Take baseball player number 1. He gets hurt. Goes to a doctor (as opposed to a dealer) and gets normal treatment, and he is back on the field in 2 months. MM goes to a dealer, gets some steroid and is back on the field in 1 month. MM received one month of performance enhancement. He is swinging at baseballs, and baseball player number one is on the bench. THERE is no confusing logic here. MM is just lying. You can see at least two lies in his statements there. 1. I don't remember any of the names of the steroids. 2. I didn't receive any benefit. Total bunk.

And since MM could not remember any of the names of the drugs he took for ten years - and who the FKDKS believes that- we have to assume he took them all. It was up to MM to inform us, and he did not. Funny on how MM can remember why he did something but not what it was he did.

Addressing MM third point. BC asked him if the reason he was coming back to baseball, was because the Statute of Limitations had ran out. He denied that. I really find that hard to believe. Especially when he stated the reason he did not testify against himself in the first place was because he was protecting his family. So, if he COULD be prosecuted now for stating this material, why not state it five years ago? I sense a total lack of honesty here. Everything he says makes no sense. It does not follow through. In the interview he stated that 'I was the one that was going to take the hits' ... and he was going to protect his family. And, as soon as the SOL ran out, he admits he is wrong but the timing was just a coincidence. Right. MM stated through out the interview that he consulted with his lawyers during the Congressional testimony... so he would not make any mistakes that might get him in trouble. But, he isn't doing that now? Right.

It is true that if everyone used a corked bat, it would be a level playing field, but baseball has decided that is not how the game is to be played. Someone could be doing something right now that is not illegal in baseball, but could be ruled later on as unfair and they could have whatever records / stats erased. That really depends on the commissioner. Steroids were unfair.

And whether MM realizes it or not, he said as much when he talked to BC last night.

Uncle

Friday, November 20, 2009

Chocolate Covered Christian Goodness

A long time ago, mankind noticed that right after the fall of the year, they started getting hungry. And, they furthermore found out, if they had not stored up a lot of stuff JUST before fall, lots of times they died.

Dying is heavy stuff, even when you don't have a religion to make you feel better about it. But, they didn't have to wait long.. Winter Solstice actually has a scientific definition 'The winter solstice occurs at the instant when the Sun's position in the sky is at its greatest angular distance on the other side of the equatorial plane from the observer's hemisphere.' See, now that wasn't too hard? Any religious folks out there read that? Put away your chocolate jesus laying in a manger.. and just read that over again. Soon you will be thinking about reading OTHER stuff that is not religious. Who knows, the whole frontal lobe might start kicking in.

What is it regarding Christians and chocolate? On Christmas we give each other chocolate by the bucket loads. Valentines day. FUCK. I mean is there any other way to express your loyalty to god than to cover something in chocolate? I suppose cramming a cherry in it somewhere. I am still waiting for the cherry filled chocolate 'from the grave' zombie christ to be sold at Easter. What possibly could be the hold up? Certainly isn't good taste! I mean, if you really wanted to do the Passion Play correctly, why not have the Chocolate Roman Soldiers, with possibly licorice whips, beating up on the chocolate jesus (who melts in your soul, not in your hand) ... and maybe with some scientific help we can make the jesus chocolate activate when the licorice whips hit jesus's chocolate back.. and 100% Cherry Juice can ooze out of pre manufactured chocolate holes... symbolic of his bloody, yet tasty, suffering. Made in the Peoples Republic of Communist China, by five year olds.. again emphasizing the symbolic suffering with some real world 'suffer the little children' SIXTY MINUTES style.

I know at easter, one of the first things I do.. I grab the biggest chocolate cross, with Jesus on it, that I can find. I bite the head off right away. That way one cannot tell if it is Jesus or John the Baptist. Gives it more of a mysterious creamier chocolate symbolic meaning. I mean, why not smooth out the meaning with milk chocolate. I realize not everyone will agree with me, so there could be some Dark Chocolate headless crosses out there....all flavors of chocolate to all people.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Big Bang Theory

David Letterman made a joke recently which may have, or may not have, involved the 14 year old daughter of Sarah Palin (SP). SP got her panties in a bind. Apparently, she is very sensitive regarding sexual connotations directed at her daughter (but not actual sex acts themselves).

It's only fitting that SP would not want any jokes about sex, and yet be very hands on about the discussion. At home, her one daughter already has a child before getting married. Just say, "YES" or "I mean, my mother looks like a slutty flight attendant."

The whole republican idea of abstinence from sex is very curious. Abstinence is the 'correct' manner of behaving sexually, if only they really believe that. If you get pregnant out of wedlock, isn't the pregnancy wrong? Nancy Reagan warned us to "Just say NO to drugs". Drugs are wrong. Shouldn't the same premise exist for the pregnancy outside of a religious framework?

Well, the difference is, once someone is pregnant, then life is sacred.

Therefore, life is sacred and holy, shouldn't the process of making it be encouraged!? ACHTUNG. EVERYONE FUCK, IT CAUSES SACRED LIFE. Wouldn't the act of causing sacred life be a sacrament? I mean, Christians wear crosses around their neck, but does that mean they're really advocating for people to be crucified? No. They are advocating a sacrament. Death is also a sacrament in Christianity. But abortion is wrong. Having sex outside of marriage is wrong, unless it causes a life, then that life is sacred. Killing is wrong, unless it happens to be the Messiah (or anyone with an opposing viewpoint), then it is okay.

I know to somebody, a long time ago.. a dark, long time ago, this made sense. To them. After 40 days of no food, during a fast, in the woods, in sackcloth and ashes.... perhaps with some rum and cokes.... a crack pipe....

Uncle

Thursday, April 16, 2009

How To Manufacture Outrage.

It was pretty obvious from the start. I heard the whispers originally and picked up a couple key words. “Conservative” “DHS” I piqued my ears a bit. One guy was discussing how DHS was going to come after conservatives. My first thought, was “Obama's been in office two-and-a-half months and the conservatives are afraid of a department set up by Bush? How ironic. I could have told you this would be a problem 7 years ago. Never set up a department that you wouldn't want run by your idealogical opposite.” I left it at that, with the thought that it's near lunchtime, Rush Limbaugh's show is on, he must be talking about DHS. About a half hour later, I overheard it again, from someone else. “The DHS is targeting conservatives.”

I'm thinking, Yup, Rush must be on a tear today. He's managed to get people thinking that a department of 200,000 people who've been managed by Republicans for seven years to come after conservatives just after two-and-a-half months. I'd love to see the internal memos that DHS is getting:

January 19, 2009: Today's Target is the Cheese-eating Surrender Monkey. They are a cowardly lot who side with Terrorists! God Bless America!

January 21, 2009: Today's Target is the Fat, White Neoconservative Wingnut. Approach with caution, comrade, they have guns. Death to the Capitalist Pig-dogs!

I'm not one to discuss politics much in polite company, but I do love reading about it. So of course, I set out to see what the fuss was about and it turns out, There Is A Memo!

I was rather disappointed, though. It's all about the usual racist hate groups getting pissed that a black man was elected president and that he was going to take their guns and that some of them like to get military training to prepare for the eventual Race War. Really, it's an extremely obvious memo to anyone who paid attention the last 30 years. Racists Hate Black People And Are Pissed That One Is In The White House. Boring.


Race War!

I could not figure out how Rush could get pissed off at this besides the term “Right Wing” being attached to domestic terrorism. Sorry, Rush. It's a sad fact that right wing terrorists like to collect guns, blow up federal buildings and bomb abortion clinics. It doesn't mean all right-wingers are bad, just the violent, racist ones. But it turns out, Rush was really pissed-off that it was released in time for Tea Party day.

The problem is, he equates the entire memo with conservativism as a whole. The word conservative (or even a synonym) is not mentioned in the document even once, whereas a term like “white supremacist” is mentioned eight times. In Rush's eagerness to go after the current administration, he's decided that when they are talking about white supremacists, they are talking about him? Sure, plenty of people like to point out Rush's racism, but now his need for victimhood has driven him to self-identify with racists, neo-Nazis and the KKK?

There is also the point that the memo supposedly demeans military vets. Once again, upon reading the memo, my independent thoughts were that extremists were targeting returning vets to recruit their ranks. A pretty obvious conclusion, as the Army provides free combat training and an opportunity to go overseas and shoot brown people (sidethought: I love the Army and know they do much, much more than that, but I'm talking about what a militant racist seeks to gain from joining the Army. Militant racists play Call of Duty 4 because they get to shoot brown people. Militant racists bake gingerbread men because they can then bite the heads off of brown people. But I digress). The top domestic terrorists of the last 20 years have all had Army training: Timothy McVeigh, Terry Nichols, John Allen Muhammad and even Eric Rudolph.

It seemed obvious to me that vets suffering from PTSD may, instead of seeking the help they need, be approached by racist groups who will put the blame of their issues onto brown people. The two most egregious domestic terrorists, McVeigh and Muhammad, both served in the Gulf War. Is it so outrageous that they may have suffered from some unaddresed mental issue which led McVeigh to hate Jews and Muhammad to hate white people? But no, according to Rush, showing concern for the mental well-being of combat vets equates to calling them right-wing extremists.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm living in Bizarro-world. Is it any wonder the GOP has lost touch with the average, moderate voter?

Arg.


Bizarro!

My point is that you should always read releases from the source and come to your own conclusion. Don't let people tell you what to believe (even me) because they may twist it around in order to manufacture outrage. That's what Rush does, manufactures outrage. It's how he gets ratings and how he rakes in his millions.

“They” aren't necessarily out to get you. Even if you do like teabagging.




Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter For Dummies

Are you like millions of other people whom really LIKE Easter, but are confused as to the real meaning?

Yes, I know what you mean, and how you feel. I've been there. Easter is very confusing. Plus, if you ask any Christian, they often start rambling on about a talking snake, forbidden foliage, an angry god that often has to kill THINGS... it's not worth the hassle. Not to mention the sorta creepiness that some Christians sota ooze from their pores. Sorta like Jesus was the Original Used Car salesman, 'Have you considered a Jesus for your garage' HELP, RUN, HIDE THE JESUS CHRYSLER!

Easter is, after all, a weird sorta holiday. I mean, it has a lot of strange things involved. If you looked at the holiday via abstract... lemme see, you have Chocolate Eggs, Bunny Rabbits, .. hell, just about everything is chocolate. I have actually seen chocolate Jesus' on chocolate crosses. MADE IN CHINA FER CHRISSAKES. But, for the record, Chocolate eggs and bunnies are two of my favorite sacraments. Bar none. (hidden joke there... a sorta 'easter egg' if you will).

In order to clean up some confusion, I have decided to write a bullet statement style of infogram regarding certain rather important facts regarding Easter. (Keep in mind the word 'Fact' here is being used rather loosely. History being a myth written by the victors).

I will attempt to keep the list in sorta 'order' .. if I leave anyone or anything out, I apologize in advance. I am, pre approved to be predestined to prevent the .... nevermind.

1. God. According to the stories, God has been around quite a long time. He has temper issues. He can get angry about anything. Past history temper tampers time outs include: Not being married when you have sex, as well as my favorite, Eating salad like materials when told not to do so. God has, according to the stories, been very unstable, will kill you if you're not careful, send you to a lake of fire for what looks to be a very long time.. and then, on top of it all, he likes to remind you (normally by killing something) that he loves you. Nice.

2. Adam and Eve. They showed up at the first Easter Breakfast of sorts, and ordered something off the menu that the Chef (GOD) didn't want them to order. As it turns out, their order was indeed 'TO GO'. 'Yes, make that two forbidden fruits, yes, a doggie bag would be nice'

3.
Blood/Sheep etc. Sometime after Adam and Eve went Ala Carte, God decided he needed to have his anger placated. And blood would do the trick. Lots of it. Blood eventually becomes God's favorite beverage of choice. See, in order to get forgiveness, according to the myth, one had to kill a sheep. Simple as that. Sort of a Bar B Q grill type of thing. Light up the bricks, lay the sheep on there after slitting its throat or whatever, and it MUTTON UP.

Anyone whom has spilled/got/experienced blood on anything would question the whole idea of blood being a good washer of anything. Especially to get you 'white as snow'... anyway.

This whole sheep blood forgiveness was not permanent. It lasted, basically, for one week. Then, back to the herd. 'Martha get the knife, I gotta kill me some forgiveness...' This whole plan worked real good for God, and humans, especially the shepherds.

4. Jesus. a.k.a. The Perfect Lamb, Sacrificial Son, SON OF GOD, The Redeemer, The MONSTER OF THE MIDWAY.. okay I made up the last one. It would seem that God got tired of the refried mutton every week, and desired something a bit more permanent. So, naturally, he had to kill his kid to forgive everyone. Now, that makes perfect sense. And, lucky for God, he just happened to have one laying around... presumably doing nothing other than being the SON OF GOD for 30 years since being born in a barn. Jesus must have really done some serious stuff for his juvenile record HANDY STUFF FOR GOD EH?

I can see him looking around the room, in heaven, as he sized up the family for whom was going to get killed so humans could be forgiven. You know there was absolutely NO eye contact in that little family gathering. Can you imagine the invitations, what they may have read? 'You are coordially invited to dinner with God Almighty. We will be discussing whom will die for humans on Earth' Bring a friend.'

5. The Resurrection. So, God had to kill his kid. Jesus, apparently not all that thrilled about being 'made' into the family, decided to negotiate. Seems as though he didn't wish to be dead for any length of time. God was thinking a long time, the Holy Ghost thought 40 days and 40 nights sounded good, but Jesus put his sandle down and insisted 3 days shipping and handling would work out just fine. God relented... mostly because the daughter of God was not only a female -which would not make a very good KING OF THE JEWS, but she was ugly and cross. (ba da boom). So off Jesus went to be killed. There was this small issue of plot.

'Um, so, uh, what do I tell them when I am back alive? I mean, none of the lambs came back to life... did they?' Jesus asked, sheepishly. (I am dying here, I mean these jokes are killing me...)

God thought for a moment.... and replied, 'Just tell them you will be taken UP'.

Solved. And on the way out the door, the Holy Ghost said, 'Hey, take this shroud, I hear it gets cold in those tombs'. And that kind act made an imprint on Jesus. (Rim Shot)

In all this religious hoo ha of passion play nonsense, one must remember one small detail. If Jesus came back from the dead. He is, technically, a Zombie.

Happy Easter. YOU ZOMBIE LOVERS.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Easter for Dummies

Are you like millions of other people who really LIKE Easter, but are confused as to the real meaning?

Yes, I know what you mean and how you feel. I've been there. Easter is very confusing. Plus, if you ask any Christian, they often start rambling on about a talking snake, forbidden foliage, and an angry god that often has to kill THINGS. It's not worth the hassle! Not to mention the sorta creepiness that some Christians sota ooze from their pores. Sorta like Jesus was the Original Used Car salesman. 'Have you considered a Jesus for your garage?' HELP, RUN, HIDE THE JESUS CHRYSLER!

Easter is, after all, a weird sort of holiday. I mean, it has a lot of strange things involved. If you look at the holiday abstractly... lemme see, you have Chocolate Eggs and Bunny Rabbits. Hell, just about everything is chocolate. I have actually seen chocolate Jesuses on chocolate crosses. MADE IN CHINA FER CHRISSAKES. But, for the record, Chocolate eggs and bunnies are two of my favorite sacraments. Bar none. (Hidden joke there... an 'easter egg' if you will).

In order to clean up some confusion, I've decided to write a bullet statement style of infogram regarding certain, rather, important facts about Easter. (Keep in mind the word 'fact' here is used rather loosely. History being a myth written by the victors).

I will attempt to keep the list in 'order'. If I leave anyone, or anything out, I apologize in advance. I am pre-approved to be predestined to prevent the .... oh, nevermind.

1. God. According to the stories, God has been around quite a long time. He has temper issues. He can get angry about anything. Past history temper tampers time outs include: not being married when you have sex, as well as my favorite, eating salad like materials when told not to do so. God has, according to the stories, been very unstable and will kill you if you're not careful, or send you to a lake of fire for what looks to be a very long time. Then, on top of it all, He likes to remind you (normally by killing something) that He loves you. Nice.

2. Adam and Eve. They showed up at the first Easter Breakfast of sorts, and ordered something off the menu that The Chef (GOD) didn't want them to order. As it turns out, their order was indeed 'TO GO'. 'Yes, make that two forbidden fruits. Yes, a doggie bag would be nice.'

3.
Blood/Sheep etc. Sometime after Adam and Eve went ala carte, God decided he needed to have his anger placated. Blood seemed to do the trick. Lots of it. Blood eventually becomes God's favorite beverage of choice. See, in order to get forgiveness, according to the myth, one had to kill a sheep. Simple as that. It's sort of a Bar-B-Q grill type of thing. Light up the bricks, lay the sheep on there after slitting its throat or whatever, and it's MUTTON UP.

Anyone who has spilled/got/experienced blood on anything would question the whole idea of blood being a good cleanser. Especially to get you 'white as snow'. Anyway...

This whole sheep blood forgiveness was not permanent. It lasted, basically, for one week. Then, back to the herd. 'Martha get the knife. I gotta kill me some forgiveness!' This whole plan worked really well for God, and humans. Particularly, the shepherds.

4. Jesus (a.k.a. The Perfect Lamb, Sacrificial Son, SON OF GOD, The Redeemer, The MONSTER OF THE MIDWAY.. okay I made up the last one.) It seems that God got tired of the refried mutton every week, and desired something a bit more permanent. Naturally, he had to kill his kid to forgive everyone. Now that makes perfect sense. And, luckily for God, he just happened to have one laying around. Presumably doing nothing other than being the SON OF GOD. I'm not sure what the daily duties were being the SON OF GOD, but apparently they could be set aside for 30 odd years while SON OF GOD went off to be killed for everyone's forgiveness. HANDY STUFF FOR GOD, EH?

I can just see him looking around the room in heaven as he sized up the family for who was going to get killed so humans could be forgiven. You know there was absolutely NO eye contact in that little family gathering. Can you imagine the invitations? I wonder what they must've read? 'You are cordially invited to dinner with God Almighty. We will be discussing who will die for humans on Earth. Bring a friend. :)'

5. The Resurrection. So, God had to kill his kid. Jesus, apparently not all that thrilled about being 'made' into the family, decided to negotiate. It seems as though he didn't wish to be dead for any length of time. God was thinking a long time, the Holy Ghost thought 40 days and 40 nights sounded good, but Jesus put his sandal down and insisted that 3 days shipping and handling would work out just fine. God relented. Mostly because the daughter of God was not only a female- which would not make a very good KING OF THE JEWS, but she was ugly and cross. (ba da boom). So off Jesus went to be killed.

There was this small issue of plot.

'Um, so, uh, what do I tell them when I am back alive? I mean, none of the lambs came back to life... did they?', Jesus asked sheepishly. (I am dying here. I mean these jokes are killing me...)

God thought for a moment.... and replied, 'Just tell them you will be TAKEN UP'.

Solved. On the way out the door, the Holy Ghost said, 'Hey, take this shroud. I hear it gets cold in those tombs.' That kind act made an imprint on Jesus. *rim shot*

In all this religious hoo-ha of passion play nonsense, one must remember one small detail: If Jesus came back from the dead, he is, technically, a Zombie.

Happy Easter. YOU ZOMBIE LOVERS.

Uncle

Thursday, April 2, 2009

OPRAH NEBULAS!!!



NASA announced yesterday that Oprah Winfrey apparently has turned into a Dark Nebula. NASA is baffled at how it has happened, however hogie consumption is suspected.

The following Oprah Nebula situation is explained by Larko Sparlaticus, a renowned Nebula expert:


'In a nutshell, Nebulae, are dusty and gaseous clouds in outer space, or in large magazine subscriptions. Some are stellar nurseries, they create new stars from the remains of old stars. In Oprah's case, it seems she has created a buffet of ... well, food nurseries out of leftovers from previous ... er, food nurseries. Hey, I am only a scientist... and, uh, pass the ketchup willya? This particular Oprah 'Buffet Nebula' is particularly tasty.'


Hrm.


Hollywood has announced Oprah will not lose their support, just because she has turned into a monster amount of gas that absorbs everything around her. In fact, they are working on a new movie project with Oprah in the lead role 'THE COLOR PURPLE PEOPLE EATER'.


Oprah, who just became available for comment since exploding onto the upper stratosphere of time and space (and condiments) ... had this comment. 'I really don't like the photo's that HUBBLE space telescope has taken of me.. does this asteroid make me look fat?.. anyway, I really like the shape of the Hubble, with the right amount of peanut butter, that thing, with a couple of margaritas and the right company, could be just what the doctor ordered. BELCH'

Hide the children, and the groceries, Oprah is headed towards Tokyo!!!! CHRIST!


Uncle

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Rooftop Richard

http://news.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/hi/newsbeat/newsid_7961000/7961224.stm


I just thought this was funny. And took some time of son of rich boy.

Uncle

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

CNN Announces....

CNN, the cable news network, announced today.. in an effort to spend a lot of 'extra cash' they will switch to an 'all paper' format and no longer be available online.

Shocking news to all the News Jocks everywhere.

More coming on this very interesting story!

Uncle

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Pope makes no F*&King Sense

The pope, just the other day, noted that the Aids epidemic in Africa (he is on tour, get your tickets now) is being exasperated because people 'were wearing condoms' ....

Now, we can give the Pope a pass here and there for his total lack judgement.. he was, after all, a member of the Nazi Youth... hell, do I have to say any more? Of course I will since the pope keeps on maintaining his wicked stupid persona. Lemme guess, the condoms are made by Jews, and that is the reason they are evil? I mean, that makes just about as much sense.

There is a global warming situation. Are the non condom wearing Africans to blame for that? I don't see why not. It is FK(((G hot down here on earth.. and it is a lot warmer near the equator, and Africa is near the equator... coincidence? I think not. Those African are just not F*((*ng right! Literally.

To end this statement, I think Pope John Paul II said it best 'Hey was that a firecracker?'


UNCLE

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Dancing With The Morons



This show, Dancing with the Stars, is a bad idea. I just don't like it.

First of all, most people watching it are fat, eating too much food, and have two left feet anyway. Americans are tubs of lard and our veins are pumping cheese. In fact, Nintendo has developed a new controller for the Wii Fit called a "Wii-fibulator". What fucking fun that will be.

'HEY, MOM. LOOK. DAD'S EYES ARE OPENING UP AGAIN. CLEAR!'

Then, what the fuck was Warren Sapp doing on the show? First off, he is NOT a star. He is big, fat, overweight EX-defensive lineman from the NFL. Does that qualify as STAR? Warren Sapp dancing? Warren Sapp gives the extreme impression, when looking at him, that he's been eating at an Olympic pace since the sixth grade. GO WARREN GO! U R A STAR!

It won't be long, but just as soon as Warren Sapp's STAR starts to fade we'll see his him on a diet commercial (with ten pounds airbrushed off his fat ass). He and Mrs. Ex-Eddie Van Halen will be yammering on about how they lost ten pounds by eating tofu and sticking diet pills up their asses. I can already hear Warren stating through his diet sticky, bun covered mouth, "An' the diet pill working right now, I can feel it BURNING the fat out of my ass as I speak'

Watch out first row, sticky bun crumbs heading your way!


I have an idea. Pour gravy all over Warren Sapp and let him breakdance on top of pancakes while licking himself into a lather. Be sure to try to find the contestant. She might be under one of his rolls of stomach fat. Or, perhaps, she was the main course... right before they poured the gravy on Sapp. Say that shit twice 'Poured the Gravy on Sapp'. That rolls off the tongue like "It's Thanksgiving. Let's eat 20 more pounds of dogshit."


Uncle

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

God, Kurt Warner, agree with Cardinals: 2 Years, 23 Million



Well, after the Pittsburgh Steelers beat the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl 43, Kurt Warner was unsure if he was going to re-sign with the Cardinals. He had to pray about it.

Understandable. Kurt must've been totally confused. I mean, here was Kurt: a humble- but entirely wealthy- servant, who totally digs GOD, and now had to negotiate a new contract with his employers. Thankfully, God made time for Kurt Warner.

The busy day of God was obviously rendered incomplete without helping KW. KW just had to be tended to. Just how could KW go about the good work of the LORD without at least 17 million in guaranteed monies in his bank account? I mean, seriously, all the important followers of God are powerfully rich. Televangelist, Republicans, GW... It is with great admiration from God himself KW had no worries. In the end, God makes a pretty good agent.

God, seeing this as a time to further his message, must have told KW to stick to his demand of 2 years and 23 Million dollars; 17 million of which is guaranteed.

God was very insistant regarding the 17 million guaranteed. Because, the way God runs planet Earth, nothing is guaranteed. Kurt couldn't agree more. With all the poor and starving in the world, at least one person should have something guaranteed, and KW wanted to personally thank god for his services.

He just wished that God would have allowed him to win the Super Bowl.

(of course everyone but KW knows God is a Steeler fan)

UNCLE

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Us3d With0ut P3rmi$$i0n: HGH & St3r0ids


There is a bit of a witch hunt going on regarding steroids and Human Growth Hormones (HGH) in baseball. I guess I am a bit torn on the whole thing with regard to the information about who used, who didn't, and if we will ever find out. To be fair to those who have been 'found out' it would only really be fair to judge them against their peers. If it turns out through investigations that a majority, or even a large chunk, of MLB players were 'juicin' then all bets should be off. Players should be left off the hook as far as punishment is concerned. If the MLB governing bodies have an idea of how many players used, or have a good guess, and are not releasing that information, then, really, it's just not fair. Nor is it ethical.

Before I go any further, let's talk about 'THE LIST'. As I understand it, back in '03, MLB convinced the union to do a mass testing of all players. This would give MLB an idea of just how many players were 'juicin'. Apparently, the test was going to be confidential and the names would not be released. On this list, allegedly, there are over 100 names of people who "may or may not have tested positive for steroids". That statement itself sounds pretty fishy to me. Either they have or they haven't tested positive. This list is the list of names where A-Rod popped up and was somehow leaked to the media. But, only A-Rods name popped up.

Dirty pool.

One could really argue the point: "Where was MLB management/owners during this whole era?" Does Bud Selig really want us to believe that he, or the baseball owners, didn't know what was going on... for more than a decade? Right. They were just counting ticket receipts and had no idea 'roids were being passed around by players and trainers! They just "didn't know". OKAY. Let's pretend they didn't know. Does it allow the owners to be off the hook? Are they in charge or aren't they? Did baseball have any clue? How about every other sport that made Performance Enhancing Drugs (PED) illegal and started testing way before MLB did? (e.g. Track and Field, the NFL)? Did MLB really think PED's were only a problem in every other sport?

At some point one has to ask about the complete inaction of MLB to enact any real testing. That was a complete gaffe on the part of MLB, and more particularly, Bud Selig. The rabid nature that Bud is seeking prosecution (persecution?) of players like Barry Bonds and A-Rod could almost appear as if he is trying to clear HIS name.

Consider the stink surrounding A-Rod. The way I understand steroids to work is they bulk a player up. True. But, the real benefit 'roids bring to players, is the decreased downtime when someone gets injured. They keep a player's body "tweeked" up. Sort of like being hyper-calibrated at all times. When it might take a player three weeks to come back from a muscle strain, it might only take two. Nice advantage. Especially if you're in your late 30's.

Now, if that is true, how exactly did A-Rod, at such a young age when he was reported to have taken the drugs, benefit from the 'roids? A-Rod was young and healthy. So really, the benefit from from steroids may not have been as beneficial to him as, say, an older player who had knee problems... such as Barry Bonds.

All this could be a moot point anyway. HGH, the big builder of bodies and muscles, isn't currently able to be traced in anyone's system by any drug test on the market.

Interesting.

Nobody can trace this HGH drug. This
is interesting. So, as far as we know, the NFL, Track and Field, or any other sport may indeed have players using HGH. As far as we know, Abraham Lincoln used HGH. Where was Clinton during this era? Well we shouldn't just blame Clinton. We don't know what his interns were using? Got Roids? But, anything is possible. Wait! Doesn't that sound like the point with regular steroids? We have no idea who was using them during the era. There are lots of accusations. Lots of needle pointing. Where is the evidence? A list perhaps? How about the over 100 names of people who failed the drug test? That's some evidence. Maybe. Who did the testing? Where have these samples been stored? What was the condition of the testing? This may seem like some trivial questions, but there seems to be a lot secrecy. It may be legitimate testing. I just haven't seen any other names from the list of 100 plus players other than A-Rod. Where are the others?

Consider the following example:

Once, I gave my cat Non Human Growth hormones. The damn thing grew two heads. It took weapons of mass destruction to bring the feline under control. The bad thing was, it WAS my cat. The cat was under my roof. I saw what was going on. I went through the cat's gym bag and saw the needles. I just figured the cat was diabetic. At least, that's what I wanted to assume. I'd turn a blind eye, or poke the eye until it is blind, then turn away. Do I have any responsibility to the cat, or for the cat's condition?

Barry Bonds (BB) is being punished for supposedly lying about taking performance enhancing drugs (PED). Yet, all the players who have taken them, and admitted to taking them, are getting a free pass? Does this make sense? I can totally understand why someone would take PEDs in the first place. Quite simply, not everyone knew WHO was taking the drugs.

If you're a hitter, and you think most of the pitchers are taking PEDs, wouldn't that tempt you to take them or vice versa? Would it be tempting? What about the baseball commissioner? Nobody passed any laws regarding this issue until '03. So, it must be at least semi-encouraged. Or ignored. Barry Bonds didn't invent steroids or HGH. Where are all the other players who were taking them?

Where did they all go? And why are BB and Roger Clemens (RC) the only ones getting hammered? Is it true that they have over 100 names of players that may have tested postitive for PED and only ONLY A-ROD's name came out? Why is it that only A-Rod's name came out? Over a hundred players is a significant number considering only one name came out of the list.

Hrm. It seems like someone is trying to make the crackdown look very real. Wouldn't it be good if Leroy Jones (a fictitious catcher from the Kansas City Royals) made the list having only played for 3 seasons and only batted a .230 season average? Who the FKK cares about Leroy Jones!? I am trying to make my steriods thing look important, dammit!

Hey, MLB. Get over yourself! Pete Rose said, "Everyone was taking 'greenies' back in the day." Greenies are basically a speed derivative. They gave players a bit more energy. They got players through those long double headers.

Baseball must clean the whole slate. The League cannot be taken seriously when it spot leaks names to the media. Let the public know who MLB has knowledge of taking PEDs. They have a long list and they have test results. Don't just release certain big name players. Fess up Selig! Face the music! Call it for what it is! Don't stain the name of the game in an effort to 'root' out the criminals when you may have been one yourself. If in fact, the players union and MLB could never ever come to terms on how to enact any PED rules. Then there were none. Perhaps baseball should just come out and admit errors on everyone's part and stop punishining the big name players to make the biggest splash. Unfair is unfair.

Who else was taking them?

UNCLE

Friday, February 20, 2009

Someone Threw out The Baby with the Economy

There used to be a saying. Went like this 'Government by the people, for the people, of the people' ... it has been a bit amended after eight years of GW to the following 'Government by the people, for the people, screw the people'

Anyway.

I just watched a TV show, and the show was a documentary type of show. They were talking with folks in Mississippi. White people in Ole Miss. It was pretty sickening.


They were asking about how they felt about Obama. To say that they were not happy is an understatement.

But what struck me as odd... they kept talking about how bad the nation was, and how Obama 'is taking us down' ... I am not sure just how much 'lower' our country could go after 8 years of GW.

But as sad as the country is at the moment... Just what did Barak do to add to it? Was it BO's policies? Was it BO who did nothing the past two years as the economy slid into the black hole? (White, clueless leader Asshole = Black hole economy).

It is true, in the past... our countries leaders have often tried different things to get our country out of different economic trial periods... FDR being the name that jumps out due to that period of the Great Depression... FDR tried all sorts of programs.. New Deal, all sorts of work programs. As I understand it, not all of them worked out so well... but the spirit of the deal was not to grow government, but something a lot less complex, but the simple, kind of important capitalistic act of employing people.

Partisan politics are for good times. Being left or right of an issue is also for good times. When millions of people in our country are out of work, it really becomes the governments responsibility to find a way out of the worst of times. FDR tried. All I ask is that Barak Obama try to fix something... I do not feel as though BO will heal the sick in one day with a big fat, magic, anti GW wand. Would be nice. Ain't gunna' happen. Perhaps everything BO will attempt will come crashing to the ground. We must, as the taxpayer, remember this... BO didn't make the mess.

Now, I don't know how BO will work out, but I am not condemning him out of the gate. I mean, for about 6 months, -after 911- I was willing to give GW a chance.. then the war with Iraq talk started brewing.. then all went to hell credibility wise with GW... Just think, we may never ever have France feel bad for us again. Thanks GW for pissing away all good will from the rest of the world and doing dumb stuff like invading a country that could not defend itself.

I am white. I am liberal. I am not the walrus. I play the walrus on T.V. However, my views count. I find it dumbfounding and a bit silly that right wing conservatives feel as though they 'own' patriotism, and they speak for everyone's tax dollars.

'Yes, are you my conservative patriotism overseer? YOU ARE? Well thank goodness I ran into you, I was planning on going to a Baseball game and wanted to sing the national anthem... well, I am presently completely out of patriotism.. and wanted to check some out for the weekend' bla bla regurgitate bla bla. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

I love the tiny little conservative right wing comments regarding the general taxpayer, 'Taxpayers are tired of -fill in the blank anti housing, anti education, anti equal opportunity-' It is as if, God/Jesus/Etc has a pulse on the taxpayer, and after getting a good feel for what is going on, then tells Mr. Conservative Politico what the deal is. No matter what Jesus might say to them at night time when they curl up with their favorite biblical dogfood they eat, the right wing does not speak for me when it comes to tax dollars. Jesus never paid my bills, and as soon as he does, he can guide me on where to put my monies... till then, he can show up at christmas and easter and tell us to spend money and reproduce like rabbits.. or whatever his message is.

You know how happy and excited the right wing tends to get when government says they are spending billions on a new aircraft carrier? Well, I get that way when the government says they are going to spend billions on health care, or education, or extend unemployment benefits for those looking for work, allocate daycare monies for low income working mom's... You get the idea - Government for the people.


UNCLE