Sunday, June 20, 2010

Short Stories

There is a new show in production that will appeal to every American known to America in the Americas!

It is called 'I Can't Believe You Are Fat, Can't Sing, Or Act, Or Dance And Are A Complete Loser'

Totally different than other shows before it, in this show..They put all of you on a scale, and see what you 'tip in at'. Then you eat a ten course meal. Rehearse a song in a register that you can't sing, and or dance to, then rehearse some bullshit story made up about your life ('My husband is in Iraq', or 'I lost a liver in an accident saving my puppy' or 'I once ate so much I was homeless and unattractive', OR the very popular 'At one time I was not pathetic enough to be on Oprah!') Then act it out in front of several washed up actors -of which could not have a successful career on their own, but will judge whether or not you 'have what it takes'.... Then, another break to eat. And at the finale, they put all of you back on the scale, and see who did the best.

Winners get food of whatever they want... a whole two weeks supply, or 10 tons, which ever is less...

Runner Uppers get a publishing deal to write their whole experience in a book (cookbook sold separately) and an appearance on Oprah to eat and discuss and eat.

Just a joke. I wrote it after being subjected to 'I can't believe you think you can dance' or whatever that program is called.

Bret Michael's doctors discover he 'somehow grew a vagina' during his coma.

Sometime during his coma, BM grew a vagina - according to his doctors. One surgeon who was present noted 'I am nearly 100 percent sure BM had a penis when he came into critical care, but he, er she, has a vagina now'

Doctors are not sure how this happened. Considering BM used to sing for a hair metal band in the late 80s. 'Of course, back in the 80s he looked like a woman, so it may be just a delayed reaction' says one doctor. 'Anything is possible...'

Bret Michael's noted that 'Since I now have a vagina, I don't feel so bad about going on Oprah'

Oprah Winfrey misplaces her BBQ Sauce bottles, enraged eats four interns.

In an apparent rage filled several moments, Oprah could not find her favorite BBQ sauce and ate four of her interns.

'This was a totally provoked attack' claims Oprah, 'I clearly explained which refrigerators were mine and what ones were theirs'

The interns were eaten alive during a break in taping, near snack time. Oprah was looking for something to apply to her pork sausage, peanut butter and egg Elvis tribute sandwiches, when she discovered her misplaced condiment.

'It doesn't matter anyway, anyone who works for me signs a waiver in their contract acknowledging that I can eat them at any moment'

Pope demands Vatican City be called 'Glory Hole City' in bizarre turn.

The Pope, in a odd turn, stated that anyone caught calling Glory Hole City 'THE VATICAN' will face severe punishment. Possibly excommunication, or even worse than that... added the former Nazi Youth member.

He further noted that 'I was thinking about calling Glory Hole City 'Glorious Reststop City' but that sounded like something Robin would say to Batman as they slid down the batpole.....


Enviromentalist are outraged Oprah eats a Black Rhino

Oprah apparently ate an endangered Black Rhino while visiting her school for girls in Africa.

'This is a total outrage', stated Ackman Mahummand, local Enviromentalist, 'There were plenty of other things to eat, even if this is Africa. There is presently several boats offshore with boat loads of materials that she could have easily have ate. Black Rhinos are rare.'

Oprah noted she was provoked, after watching a Black Rhino special on Animal Planet. 'I had the remote in hand, and kept replaying them, slowly, over and over. They simply looked delicious!' Asked about how she felt, after eating something so rare, 'O no, I cooked them real good'

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