Friday, November 20, 2009

Chocolate Covered Christian Goodness

A long time ago, mankind noticed that right after the fall of the year, they started getting hungry. And, they furthermore found out, if they had not stored up a lot of stuff JUST before fall, lots of times they died.

Dying is heavy stuff, even when you don't have a religion to make you feel better about it. But, they didn't have to wait long.. Winter Solstice actually has a scientific definition 'The winter solstice occurs at the instant when the Sun's position in the sky is at its greatest angular distance on the other side of the equatorial plane from the observer's hemisphere.' See, now that wasn't too hard? Any religious folks out there read that? Put away your chocolate jesus laying in a manger.. and just read that over again. Soon you will be thinking about reading OTHER stuff that is not religious. Who knows, the whole frontal lobe might start kicking in.

What is it regarding Christians and chocolate? On Christmas we give each other chocolate by the bucket loads. Valentines day. FUCK. I mean is there any other way to express your loyalty to god than to cover something in chocolate? I suppose cramming a cherry in it somewhere. I am still waiting for the cherry filled chocolate 'from the grave' zombie christ to be sold at Easter. What possibly could be the hold up? Certainly isn't good taste! I mean, if you really wanted to do the Passion Play correctly, why not have the Chocolate Roman Soldiers, with possibly licorice whips, beating up on the chocolate jesus (who melts in your soul, not in your hand) ... and maybe with some scientific help we can make the jesus chocolate activate when the licorice whips hit jesus's chocolate back.. and 100% Cherry Juice can ooze out of pre manufactured chocolate holes... symbolic of his bloody, yet tasty, suffering. Made in the Peoples Republic of Communist China, by five year olds.. again emphasizing the symbolic suffering with some real world 'suffer the little children' SIXTY MINUTES style.

I know at easter, one of the first things I do.. I grab the biggest chocolate cross, with Jesus on it, that I can find. I bite the head off right away. That way one cannot tell if it is Jesus or John the Baptist. Gives it more of a mysterious creamier chocolate symbolic meaning. I mean, why not smooth out the meaning with milk chocolate. I realize not everyone will agree with me, so there could be some Dark Chocolate headless crosses out there....all flavors of chocolate to all people.

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