Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Easter for Dummies

Are you like millions of other people who really LIKE Easter, but are confused as to the real meaning?

Yes, I know what you mean and how you feel. I've been there. Easter is very confusing. Plus, if you ask any Christian, they often start rambling on about a talking snake, forbidden foliage, and an angry god that often has to kill THINGS. It's not worth the hassle! Not to mention the sorta creepiness that some Christians sota ooze from their pores. Sorta like Jesus was the Original Used Car salesman. 'Have you considered a Jesus for your garage?' HELP, RUN, HIDE THE JESUS CHRYSLER!

Easter is, after all, a weird sort of holiday. I mean, it has a lot of strange things involved. If you look at the holiday abstractly... lemme see, you have Chocolate Eggs and Bunny Rabbits. Hell, just about everything is chocolate. I have actually seen chocolate Jesuses on chocolate crosses. MADE IN CHINA FER CHRISSAKES. But, for the record, Chocolate eggs and bunnies are two of my favorite sacraments. Bar none. (Hidden joke there... an 'easter egg' if you will).

In order to clean up some confusion, I've decided to write a bullet statement style of infogram regarding certain, rather, important facts about Easter. (Keep in mind the word 'fact' here is used rather loosely. History being a myth written by the victors).

I will attempt to keep the list in 'order'. If I leave anyone, or anything out, I apologize in advance. I am pre-approved to be predestined to prevent the .... oh, nevermind.

1. God. According to the stories, God has been around quite a long time. He has temper issues. He can get angry about anything. Past history temper tampers time outs include: not being married when you have sex, as well as my favorite, eating salad like materials when told not to do so. God has, according to the stories, been very unstable and will kill you if you're not careful, or send you to a lake of fire for what looks to be a very long time. Then, on top of it all, He likes to remind you (normally by killing something) that He loves you. Nice.

2. Adam and Eve. They showed up at the first Easter Breakfast of sorts, and ordered something off the menu that The Chef (GOD) didn't want them to order. As it turns out, their order was indeed 'TO GO'. 'Yes, make that two forbidden fruits. Yes, a doggie bag would be nice.'

3.
Blood/Sheep etc. Sometime after Adam and Eve went ala carte, God decided he needed to have his anger placated. Blood seemed to do the trick. Lots of it. Blood eventually becomes God's favorite beverage of choice. See, in order to get forgiveness, according to the myth, one had to kill a sheep. Simple as that. It's sort of a Bar-B-Q grill type of thing. Light up the bricks, lay the sheep on there after slitting its throat or whatever, and it's MUTTON UP.

Anyone who has spilled/got/experienced blood on anything would question the whole idea of blood being a good cleanser. Especially to get you 'white as snow'. Anyway...

This whole sheep blood forgiveness was not permanent. It lasted, basically, for one week. Then, back to the herd. 'Martha get the knife. I gotta kill me some forgiveness!' This whole plan worked really well for God, and humans. Particularly, the shepherds.

4. Jesus (a.k.a. The Perfect Lamb, Sacrificial Son, SON OF GOD, The Redeemer, The MONSTER OF THE MIDWAY.. okay I made up the last one.) It seems that God got tired of the refried mutton every week, and desired something a bit more permanent. Naturally, he had to kill his kid to forgive everyone. Now that makes perfect sense. And, luckily for God, he just happened to have one laying around. Presumably doing nothing other than being the SON OF GOD. I'm not sure what the daily duties were being the SON OF GOD, but apparently they could be set aside for 30 odd years while SON OF GOD went off to be killed for everyone's forgiveness. HANDY STUFF FOR GOD, EH?

I can just see him looking around the room in heaven as he sized up the family for who was going to get killed so humans could be forgiven. You know there was absolutely NO eye contact in that little family gathering. Can you imagine the invitations? I wonder what they must've read? 'You are cordially invited to dinner with God Almighty. We will be discussing who will die for humans on Earth. Bring a friend. :)'

5. The Resurrection. So, God had to kill his kid. Jesus, apparently not all that thrilled about being 'made' into the family, decided to negotiate. It seems as though he didn't wish to be dead for any length of time. God was thinking a long time, the Holy Ghost thought 40 days and 40 nights sounded good, but Jesus put his sandal down and insisted that 3 days shipping and handling would work out just fine. God relented. Mostly because the daughter of God was not only a female- which would not make a very good KING OF THE JEWS, but she was ugly and cross. (ba da boom). So off Jesus went to be killed.

There was this small issue of plot.

'Um, so, uh, what do I tell them when I am back alive? I mean, none of the lambs came back to life... did they?', Jesus asked sheepishly. (I am dying here. I mean these jokes are killing me...)

God thought for a moment.... and replied, 'Just tell them you will be TAKEN UP'.

Solved. On the way out the door, the Holy Ghost said, 'Hey, take this shroud. I hear it gets cold in those tombs.' That kind act made an imprint on Jesus. *rim shot*

In all this religious hoo-ha of passion play nonsense, one must remember one small detail: If Jesus came back from the dead, he is, technically, a Zombie.

Happy Easter. YOU ZOMBIE LOVERS.

Uncle

1 comment:

Monoman said...

ok, the puns and all, LAUGHED MY ASS OFF!

Thanks Ken and Aryn.