Sunday, March 8, 2009
This show, Dancing with the Stars, is a bad idea. I just don't like it.
First of all, most people watching it are fat, eating too much food, and have two left feet anyway. Americans are tubs of lard and our veins are pumping cheese. In fact, Nintendo has developed a new controller for the Wii Fit called a "Wii-fibulator". What fucking fun that will be.
'HEY, MOM. LOOK. DAD'S EYES ARE OPENING UP AGAIN. CLEAR!'
Then, what the fuck was Warren Sapp doing on the show? First off, he is NOT a star. He is big, fat, overweight EX-defensive lineman from the NFL. Does that qualify as STAR? Warren Sapp dancing? Warren Sapp gives the extreme impression, when looking at him, that he's been eating at an Olympic pace since the sixth grade. GO WARREN GO! U R A STAR!
It won't be long, but just as soon as Warren Sapp's STAR starts to fade we'll see his him on a diet commercial (with ten pounds airbrushed off his fat ass). He and Mrs. Ex-Eddie Van Halen will be yammering on about how they lost ten pounds by eating tofu and sticking diet pills up their asses. I can already hear Warren stating through his diet sticky, bun covered mouth, "An' the diet pill working right now, I can feel it BURNING the fat out of my ass as I speak'
Watch out first row, sticky bun crumbs heading your way!
I have an idea. Pour gravy all over Warren Sapp and let him breakdance on top of pancakes while licking himself into a lather. Be sure to try to find the contestant. She might be under one of his rolls of stomach fat. Or, perhaps, she was the main course... right before they poured the gravy on Sapp. Say that shit twice 'Poured the Gravy on Sapp'. That rolls off the tongue like "It's Thanksgiving. Let's eat 20 more pounds of dogshit."