Monday, July 21, 2008

Coke, God and a phone call

god called last night, using a Pocket telecommuncation device, and wanted to say that he was sorry for all the cocaine, that is presently available.

He stated it was a mistake.

In his grand plan for the world, he didn't have any real use for crack cocaine and was not going to introduce it to the masses. He did say he enjoyed it when he golfed, but only used crack for medicinal purposes. He has gout.

Things started going awry, god said, when people started asking for relief from guilt. Any sort of painkiller.

This also, was an unexpected request and caused him, jesus and the holy ghost a lot of trouble.

(these requests, I assumed were from prayers from people... I didn't actually ask if that was the case, because god was rambling and I was writing as much as I could at the time... I suspected that god was 'medicated' while speaking)

what could they do to relieve all the people of guilt?

The Big Three didn't want to rid guilt entirely from the masses, because it really helped spread the gospel. Not any part of the gospel, but pieces of it.. mostly ala carte chunks of individually wrapped parcels o' the gospel squared off to fit anyone's particular view. Ribbed for her pleasure.

God allowed some small painkillers to be invented. nothing major. nothing too harmful.

So, it all started with a few puffs of a cigarette. Tobacco was a big discussion in heaven. Was it really harmful? Jesus didn't care if it was harmful, he just knew it was good. And it was good, because when you are the son of god, and you say something IS GOOD... well who the fuck is going to disagree? Certainly not the Holy Ghost... the holy ghost has his own share of guilt since he has been viewed in some circles as the 'slacker' of the holy trinity. God created the earth and the universe, Jesus died for everyone's sins... and um, just WHAT do you do again HG? You fill people UP? Well, be careful around the ladies.... clASS action suit, one each.

But tobacco didn't work. It kept on leading to other request (prayers I suspect) and THE BIG THREE had to allow more, slightly lethal stuff to be invented. Nothing started out as dangerous as Crack Cocaine... but it led to it. It just kept on building... cigarettes led to pipes led to lava lamps ... evenatully people were snorting Windex and listening to BEE GEE's. And the good lord was really pissed about the BEE GEE's being invented. Jesus suspects the Devil, but even the devil hates the Bee Gee's. Strictly Zeppelin in hell, even on satan's call waiting. Annoying to hear 'Stairway to Heaven' when you are the son of god trying to get through to the EX member of heaven. Fukin devil.

Soon, things went totally to hell. Figuratively speaking that is. God lost it one day and allowed heroin to be invented. Then hell started filling up faster than the Devil could keep up ... lots of phone calls involved in that one.. and the invention of methodone was pushed to top priority. The Devil is still pretty hot about heroin. The needle and the damage done, my ass - you should have seen all the freaking paperwork for that drug. Good job GOD. Way to go.

Of course it all led to the 1980's. Cocaine was in the high seat now. Things were really crappy in the 1980s... Ronald Reagan was president, Tiffany was on the radio, and people were drowning the guilt in cocaine. Praise the lord became, Snort the lord. Of course people didn't really say that, nor did they know they were covering up guilt, but, after a couple thousand years and loads of chemical enhancement... nobody knew anything on earth anymore. In fact, L. Ron Hubbard can attest to this.

Anyway, before the conversation could go any further, god had to put me on hold ... apparently GW was buzzing in again.. which really pisses god off.. GW asks him for advice on everything. And will do every damn thing the big three tells him to. The HOLY GHOST, drunk on new wine from Jesus, told GW that Iraq had WMD's one night. HG cannot answer the phone anymore. More stigma (not stigmata mind you) for HG. So, I was on hold for about an hour before the connection was lost.

But, since it was such an important message from GOD, I thought I would pass it on to you.

Uncle

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